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Post by simoneaton on Jan 19, 2006 6:13:45 GMT -5
tar mate. Heres another one.
I wen to a village once with a few mates and we ended up in a pub and started chatting to a few locals and as the night went on us being boys we got very verrrry drunk and the locals told us a story about the old grave digger he said "he was found dead in his bed with strange mark around his neck but the doctor says he wasnt strangled to death he did of freight his heart just stopped beating" And me being drunk just laughed at it passing it off as silly local folk law a myth if you will. So they challenge me to spend the night in his bed me being high drunk and stupid agree. so I get locked into the old grave diggers bed chamber with just one little candle to keep me company they have taken the key and are not coming until morning.As the night drew on the effects of the alchol faded just like my little candle, i got more and more scared I was petrfied. I decided I had enough in my panic and went to break the door down but as I went to kick the door a pressence entered the room I looked around to see if I could see anyone or a way they could get in but no such luck but I knew I was not alone. Then the pressence wanted me to go to the bed and I knew that is I sat or led down on that bed I wouldnt be getting up but for some reason unknown to myself I found myself walking towards the bed. I sat down on the side of the bed as an earie drouzeyness came over me and I unwantingly fell to sleep. When I awoke the candle had burnt completely out it was pitch black now stone cold sober I was sweating a cold sweat in my panic state then I felt something wet and clammy crawling up my body, it got as high as my chest before I grabbed it and we wrestled I managed to bit the thing and a loud screa was given out "AAAAAAHHHHHH" and thats how I lost my finger
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Post by Iceman on Jan 20, 2006 3:54:24 GMT -5
Lol, Simon, your crazy with your last 2 jokes, a different style but I like it, lol. Sorry you lost your finger too in that last one, didn't expect that, lol.
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Post by Iceman on Jan 20, 2006 3:59:43 GMT -5
Polish Joke
One day there was three guys going to the dessert to see who could survive, well there was a black guy a white guy and a polish guy. And they each got to bring one thing with them. The black guy brings a squirt bottle the white guy brings a fan and the polish guy brings a whole car door. When asked why did they bring what they brought the black guys says i brought a squirt bottle becuase when i get hot i can squirt my self. the white guy says i brought a fan because when i get hot i cool myself off. the polish guy says i brought a car door so when i get hot i can roll down the window.
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Post by Iceman on Jan 20, 2006 4:15:11 GMT -5
Yo Mama Jokes
Your mama's so dumb she didn't pass 3rd grade because she didn't know how to scribble.
Yo mama's so smelly she made Right Guard turn left
your moms glasses are so thick she can look at a map and see people waving at her
your moms so ugly she trick or treats by phone
Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo Mama So Stupid
I told her drinks were on the house...so she went and got a ladder...
She was born on Halloween and can't remember her birthday.
She thought Hot Meals were stolen food.
Yo Momma so stupid, she studied for a drug test!
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
(These were the best Yo Mama Jokes taken from the old folder and brought over here since all the Jokes will go in this folder from now on.)
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Post by simoneaton on Jan 20, 2006 6:15:25 GMT -5
I had a mate.....he thought he had a small 7 inch Seagull so he had it enlarged and it was huge when he went to bed he thought he was with someone else. But he then thoought his balls looked small so got them enlarged and then he thought his knees looked funny. One operation lead to another and now hes fat with a small 7 inch Seagull again. Not as funny but never mind
A magicain comes out and says "the first trick I am going to do is a very very dangerous trick and if I fall I could break my neck crack my head open and break the rest of my limbs aswell. So I would like to take my appualdes for it now" so the whole audience clap the magician then says "Well if thats all im getting im not going to do it"
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Post by Iceman on Feb 3, 2006 1:35:55 GMT -5
A magicain comes out and says "the first trick I am going to do is a very very dangerous trick and if I fall I could break my neck crack my head open and break the rest of my limbs aswell. So I would like to take my appualdes for it now" so the whole audience clap the magician then says "Well if thats all im getting im not going to do it" Lol, nice. |
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Burnham
Wrestling Manager
S.U.F.C
Posts: 1,934
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Post by Burnham on Mar 22, 2006 9:14:06 GMT -5
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey
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Alpha Clash
Wrestling Announcer
Nothing is impossible. Anything can happen with enough blood, sweat & tears.
Posts: 1,239
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Post by Alpha Clash on Apr 1, 2006 18:03:29 GMT -5
The best line I have heard yet came from 2 guys arguing at work........
"Terry, I keep all the stories about you. You are the man who makes women swoon. You have all the ladies around wanting to be with you...yet I have never, NEVER seen you with a woman. Why is that?"
"Well Mike, you never came home early."
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Alpha Clash
Wrestling Announcer
Nothing is impossible. Anything can happen with enough blood, sweat & tears.
Posts: 1,239
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Post by Alpha Clash on Apr 1, 2006 18:16:04 GMT -5
This is a bit of a long one, but its clean. So here goes:
A duck waddles into the bar. He looks around at everyone drinking then hops on to the bar. The bartender turns around. The duck asks "Got any gcensors?" The bartender says "No, I don't have any gcensors. Get outta here!" The duck drops his head, hops off the bar and leaves. The next day, the duck waddles back in and hops onto the bar. Bartender sees the duck and says "What do you want?" "Got any gcensors?" the duck asks. Bartender glares at the duck and says "No, I don't have gcensors. GET OUTTA HERE!" The duck drops his head, hops off the bar and leaves. The next day, the duck waddles back into the bar. The bartender spots him as the duck hops onto the bar again. "WHAT?" the bartender yells. "Got any gcensors?" the duck asks again. The bartender walks over to the duck and quietly says "Listen duck. I'm tired of this. The last 3 days you have come into this bar and asked me if I have any gcensors and I don't have any. Now duck, you ask me if I have any gcensors one more time, I'm gonna nail your webbed feet to the bar!" The duck's eyes get huge. He quickly off the bar and runs out. "That'll be the last of him" the bartender says. Next day...guess what...the duck waddled back into the bar and hopped up on to the bar stool then onto the bar, right behind the bartender. The bartender turns around, shocked to see the duck back again. "What do you want?" the bartender asks. "Got any nails?" the duck asks. "Got any nails? Of course I don't have any nails!" The duck smiles and says "Got any gcensors?"
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Alpha Clash
Wrestling Announcer
Nothing is impossible. Anything can happen with enough blood, sweat & tears.
Posts: 1,239
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Post by Alpha Clash on Apr 1, 2006 18:17:47 GMT -5
well that stunk........the board changed g-r-a-p-e-s to gcensors...ruins the joke!
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Alpha Clash
Wrestling Announcer
Nothing is impossible. Anything can happen with enough blood, sweat & tears.
Posts: 1,239
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Post by Alpha Clash on Apr 1, 2006 18:19:07 GMT -5
The only yo mama joke I remember was.
Your momma's so stupid she thought Hamburger Helper came with another person.
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Post by simoneaton on Apr 3, 2006 7:57:18 GMT -5
Bloke a: you look depressed
bloke b: got sat on by an elephant
bloke a: then why the long face
bloke b: heavy denchers
private: the rebels are shouting "down with the english"
commander: What ill sned the irish guard to deal with them
private: there the ones shouting it
I went into blockbuster the other day and said "Can I have Batman for ever" the girl behind the counter said "no you have to bring it back tommorrow" I repiles "what about another 48 hours" "no tommorrow" she says
I was sat in a CHinese restuarant when a duck strolls out of the kitchen takes my hands and looks deep into my eyes and says "your eyes sparkle like the moon" I say "waitor I order aromatic duck"
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Post by simoneaton on Apr 3, 2006 9:41:02 GMT -5
Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the
beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager,"
he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his
ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a
microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he
had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the Sauna and went
to the bathroom. When he returned he had a piece of toilet paper hanging
from his arse.The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The
Irishman glanced around behind and said .."B-Geez, will you look at that,
I'm getting a fax!!!
I went around to my grandad house one day and all I heard from the kitchen was him shouting OWW I went in to see what was wrong and when I went in he had a full english breakfast in a biscuit (cookie) tin and every time he treid to touch it it burnt him. I said grandad what you doing he repiles "I went to see the doctors and he told me best thing I could do when I got home is throw that frying pan away so I did"
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Post by Iceman on Apr 10, 2006 0:40:38 GMT -5
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey Aww man, lol, that's tight, nice Burnham, respect, lol.  |
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Deuce
Cook for Wrestlers
"Dope...Bart."
Posts: 75
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Post by Deuce on Jun 3, 2006 3:08:03 GMT -5
what did the mexican say when 2 houses fell on him?
heeeey det off me homes!!!!!!lol
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